Changes are afoot. They have been for the last month or so and I’ve been trying to work out exactly what they are and how to define them.
I’ve been blogging here for a while now, initially with the intention of putting something of myself across in enough detail that those I might meet would get an understanding of the girl behind the photos and website before they decided to meet her. It has evolved into something of a self-exploration and has forced me to articulate what I want and who I am. Whilst the idea of needing to express too much about oneself to the outside world strikes me as self-absorbed, I know that the inner workings of other people are fascinating to me, and an invaluable insight into the human condition. So I persist.
I stopped writing my most recent erotic story because of some of the response I got to it. Although not many people leave comments on this blog, some of you email me, either occasionally or frequently. Knowing that there are a steady stream of people who check in every day and hearing your encouragements or constructive criticisms is encouraging and much appreciated. However, I notice that most of the response comes when I write an erotic story. When these responses are notes to say you like the stories, I’m grateful and glad to know its entertaining. When the stories are perceived as an overview of my entire personality and are taken to mean that I want to engage in talking dirty with virtual strangers, it’s disheartening.
My friend on the West Coast suggested that the images of myself that I present are confusing and I can see why he thinks so. This blog isn’t my entire life–it’s a small but important part of it–and I’ve tended to write when I feel I have something interesting to say or present. Sometimes it’s frivolous and light, sometimes deep and disturbing but it’s always from the heart and a true reflection of my state of mind at any given time. But it’s random and emotional. People fluctuate and they’re multidimensional and I believe that reading what I’ve written on this blog from start to finish should give a good overall impression of what I’m like. Listening to feedback that says otherwise, I’m going to try to put it all together and make sense of it:
When I started out as an escort, I wanted excitement, I wanted to break some rules and I wanted to experiment sexually. During the day I worked at an elite, conservative company and took pride in my work. I’m someone who cares about my work and the people I work with. I don’t gossip, I don’t get involved in office politics, I avoid cliquey people and I just do my job. I’d come home, walk my dog, talk to my conservative, suburban parents on the phone about the weather, then get ready to go to this hotel or that for a meeting. Not every day–somewhere between once a week and once a month. I had the notion that I’d meet sophisticated, intelligent men and in the process, indulge my need for intensity and experimentation. I did meet many such men and the process was eye-opener in regard to the need for affection in men and how they express that need. Also, how they react when it’s lacking in their lives. The experience changed my view of relationships, or perhaps opened my eyes a bit. These shorter encounters were fun but sort of addictive. The satisfaction was short-lived and ultimately un-fulflling. But I was learning. I decided to create a new persona for myself and to put what I wanted out there, hoping it would catch the attention of the right people for me.
At this point, I was still ignoring the guilt I felt about what I was doing and it wasn’t easy for me to go out on my own. I avoided people in the industry, partly because I didn’t want this aspect of my life to become all-consuming. A difficult personal life event proved the catalyst for me to take ownership of my actions. Rather than realizing that I’d been a victim of some deep subconscious pain or childhood trauma, blah, blah, blah, and needed to Turn My Life Around, I solidified my beliefs regarding prostitution. Accepting my countercultural, “immoral” stance on the subject allowed me to just put out there everything that I think and feel on sexuality, and to push my own exploration of it. I wanted and still want to work out for myself, through trying different things, what various sexual scenarios, positions, and permutations feel like. Pushing boundaries is the best way to learn. It shouldn’t become a compulsive need but too much comfort and safety is equally detrimental.
I’ve blogged here about some of the adventures I’ve had, which I’ve genuinely enjoyed and thought would be of interest to others. I’m of the opinion that my everyday life events probably aren’t that interesting, so I’ve left the more mundane aspects out. That doesn’t mean there aren’t any, just as the fact that I get something out of sex with relative strangers doesn’t mean that I don’t covet closeness.
Yes, I’ve been unhappy in a long term relationship before–that doesn’t mean I never want a long term relationship again. Yes, I have a lot of fun getting spanked and conjuring up sexual game-playing–that doesn’t mean I don’t love kissing and sweet lovemaking. Yes, my sexual history is expansive–that doesn’t mean I cannot be with one man.
Two of my most erotic memories: missionary position sex on a regular bed with someone I was in truly in love with, kissing and feeling each other’s orgasm as though it were our own; tying a client up by wrists and ankles, caging his cock, gagging him, blindfolding him and watching his stillness. A deeply felt connection versus two people engaging in, but experiencing separately, intense erotic feeling. Perhaps the majority of people can enjoy only one or the other. I don’t know–I’d love to hear thoughts. I can and do like both.
The question I have is: why is it important for people, especially clients, to categorize me? I do not categorize them.
Why do people assume there is only one layer, one dimension? One of the most gratifying parts of companionship for me is getting to know the inner workings of my lovers. I never assume who they are before we’ve met. I always want to take the journey. I don’t expect them to want to do the same with me but am glad it they do.
The vagueness of my blog in setting out too much of my personal agenda, beyond sexual desires, is twofold. Firstly, my own privacy and a sense of self-preservation in not revealing all of my personal self in a public forum, and secondly, the possession that clients sometimes try to take of those personal goals. There’s a tendency for men to sometimes try to fulfill a personal need to win the feelings of the companion. While I want a personal connection to develop, I am able to remain mindful that the relationship exists in something of a vacuum. The vacuum is one of the wonderful aspects of the demimonde–it allows for closeness in circumstances that it otherwise would not exist in. Occasionally the vacuum is permeated but rarely successfully. Friendships do develop but this happens over time and in cases where the client understands the rules. Not everyone is capable of this.
In conclusion, an attempt to clarify the here and now: I’m only seeing people I think will add to my life and whose desires are something I can fulfill. I’m spending most of my time on a finance-based business. My priorities are shifting toward the future and to finding a committed relationship. I’m defining what I want from that relationship and what I need to give. At The Same TIme- yes, that means two purposes simultaneously, I will continue to seek out sexual connection in ways both intimate and playful. i don’t seek out relationships simply for the sake of being with someone–I’d rather be alone. So, this dichotomy suits me perfectly.
The change exists in that I want even more from my casual attachments and have a clearer idea of who Mr Right is.
