Photo by Lisa Klein

I wrote recently about an evening of romantic pleasure, simple and sweet affection and sexual intimacy.  I received a few notes about it that  warmed my heart and reminded me that there are many men who want just such romance too.  I’ve neglected writing about romance of late because sex had become overwhelmingly about games and experimentation, an aspect of my personality that I never want to lose but that’s easily distracted.  The reason I chose the name The Sensualist is because I felt as though it described my sexual persona best.  For me, both the visceral and spiritual aspects of sex are key.  I like it to be quiet yet deeply felt.  Nothing can compare to making love to someone close.  In the safety of a relationship, I’ve experienced my greatest sexual heights emotionally speaking, and have also had periods where I could not come, because trust had been lost or an end was near.  This experience made me realize how integral self-trust and emotional security are to sexual function.  

The fact that I sometimes desire something more experimental, like fetish games, or something more simple, like no-strings-attached fucking, doesn’t detract in any way from the strength of my desire for romance and affection.  I struggle at times with the categorization that life requires and this is no exception.  Does the desire to see what it feels like to be spanked mean I’m a primarily a pervert?  Does it mean I have childhood issues?  Does it mean I only hang out with other fetishists?  It really just means I want to know what it feels like. I refuse to subscribe to the labels associated with it.  On the occasions I’ve played with any intensity, I’ve later either curled up with my play partner and gone to sleep, or gone home and curled up with my dog.  The lasting feeling has been one of liberation, the result of letting go of inhibitions.  It’s an escape against the backdrop of my regular life and dreams, which include a normal relationship and love.  

A friend and I were talking last night about the hills and troughs of our love lives.  She, like several other women I know, is a very attractive, very smart and very independent woman in her early thirties.  We’re similar in that we both have very rational thought processes, yet seek out new experiences.  We’ve come across the same problem in finding a compatible man who doesn’t need to dominate yet will stand his ground.  We’ve both experienced losing respect for men who don’t have a strong sense of themselves and who look to us for answers.  Can we find masculinity, along with emotional maturity, in someone who doesn’t need to pin us down?  Can we have open-minded partners who are adventurous, fueled not by narcissism but by quiet strength and curiosity?  

The congruence in our individual paths and thought processes has often surprised me.  We both ended long term relationships around the same time several years ago and set about exploring the town as single women together.  Almost full circle, we now find ourselves seeking calm and continuity, to devote to one person.  My daydreams are veering toward decorating an apartment I share with my love, having him buy me shoes and handbags and massaging his shoulders when he’s had a hard day.  While I don’t want to go so far as doing his laundry and reminding him about his appointments, I’ll happily dig into my lingerie collection for a private show on Friday nights and if he plans on going to a strip club, I’ll expect an invitation.  I hope he’ll just raise an eyebrow and kiss me when I tell him I’m off to my Shibari lesson.   But most of time I just want to kiss him from head to toe and make love on our sheepskin rug in front of the fire.  

It’s nice to end the week with a smile and a laugh, and there’s nothing better than the juicy details of a sex scandal to inspire both.  It was only a matter of time before Silvio Berlusconi’s efforts to deny his dalliances proved pointless.  He’s still trying to claim there was no financial exchange–it will be interesting to see how that one plays out.  Thankfully, the Italians are liberal-minded enough that their Prime Minister’s private life likely won’t ruin his political career.    

One recurring theme of a good sex scandal that seems impervious to nationality or cultural differences is the publicity-seeking escort.  Audio and video recordings of private encounters?  This sort of behaviour reflects enormously on the perception of escorts as a social group.  Here we go again with an attempt to launch a career in the media out of a sexual scandal.  Someone please send her back to Prostitution 101: Discretion, Discretion, Discretion.

I know I’ve been posting a lot about fetish and trying different things but I was reminded this week of how much I really like affectionate, sweet sex. In an ideal relationship, I’d have someone like the lover of whom I speak, and occasionally we’d play at more subversive stuff, perhaps with other people.

 Our connection began several weeks before our meeting, with an intellectual email back-and-forth, into which smatterings of eroticism gradually made their way. Expressions of a kiss here, an un-bottoned shirt there, metaphors for what we like, not a hint of smut penned. A date was suggested and agreed upon, there was no attempt at negotiation but rather a gracious assurance of generosity. Such politeness and respect for my time and self compels me to go above and beyond in reciprocation.

 My lover’s quiet self-assurance and lack of pretentiousness reminded me of my basic values, which, in this hedonistic city and my own adventure-seeking mindset, become diluted at times. Exploring unconventional pursuits and questioning social mores will always be a part of my nature, but it sometimes goes hand in hand with pressure to push one’s ethical and social boundaries. Even in a non-mainstream realm, I find myself out of the mainstream. I’m determined to keep my traditional views in sight–that I can have a loyal, emotionally monogamous relationship, that there will be some traditional male/female dynamics in our relationship (caretaker/nurturer), that we will balance the health of the relationship with our individual needs and sacrifice when necessary. There’ll be no competition between us, just a desire to support and nurture.

 He was a gracious host without the need to impress, with a lightness that I’ve seen only a few times before. I interpret it as a lack of baggage or emotional undertone, a sort of purity of spirit. And despite the mountains and valleys I’ve ploughed in the erotic search, I’ve been under-whelmed by the attention to the far reaches of my inner calves, the soft skin under my arm just beside my breast, the cushiony part just below my butt that tingles with the lightest touch. How many promises to be kissed all over have I heard, how many mouths have gone directly to my cunt instead? Urgent, primal sex has its place but what a treat to really and truly have my entire body explored with lips and tongue. The slow building of excitement lends to a different and deeper climax and more peaceful satisfaction. I fell asleep on top of him and he made no attempt to move, sliding into his own dream-state, I hope as satisfied as me.

I’m moving En Pointe to its own page, so it can be read in order by new visitors to the site. There are going to be a number of parts and a few paragraphs on the characters, so I think this will work best.  You can access it through the tab on the top of this page next to Contact.  Please bear with me on the formatting, the new version of wordpress has some glitches, and it’s taking some time to work out.  S