I’ve had, by far, some of the most interesting relationships of my life as Suzannah.  They’ve taught me a lot about the role sex plays in people’s lives.  John said he imagines my role is something like that of a therapist.  In many cases this is true.  But instead of talking about their problems or issues, clients are often playing out the scenarios they wish they had in real life.  There was the professor who had never been popular with women and wanted to live the Ideal Boyfriend persona.  There was the hopeless romantic who wanted to recreate the perfect marriage.  I also feel as though a lot of fetish play is about the expressing of subconscious drives.

I’ve found myself on the defensive a bit of late as to why I get into these complex ‘relationships’.  The answer is, because I find it interesting.  I know that the last thing most people want in their lives is unnecessary intimacy.  For me, it’s the opposite.  Relating on a superficial level is hard work for me.   My most recent correspondent is young, single, successful, incredibly smart across many spectrums and highly emotionally coherent.  He’s one of the few people I’ve met who’s left me with more questions than answers after every conversation. He shared with me some of the questions that came up when he discussed our liaisons with some friends over dinner:

It was extremely interesting because I found myself offering public explanations that I had never considered privately.  We marched quickly through the preliminary curiosity:

Yes, it is sexual (but not overtly so).

Yes, she comes at a high cost.  Damn, that’s pretty expensive.  What else does she offer at higher price levels?

Why this now?  There is E and J and B; they all secretly fantasize about being your wife, why are you paying anyone?  M would be crushed if she knew that you were not willing to give her what you are willing to give a…….

What does paid sex feel like?…..

What do you mean you write to her.  What do you write?  Some of us have known you for half our lives and we really don’t know what makes you tick.

Is she a game?

Actually, I am beginning to wonder whether I am a game to him.  He is systematically and successfully seducing me.  I like it.  It’s usually the other way around.  It’s probably going to hurt when it ends.

I recently photographed a friend and fellow kinkster, Sassy.  Check out the pics at Little Lamb.

The first thing I ever saw of E was his toned, pale ass.  As instructed, he was on all fours facing the window and my favorite champagne was chilling on the table.  Isobel (a kinky acquaintance) and I changed from street clothes to gloves and corsetry, et cetera before sitting down to observe our slave-for-the-evening.  Neither of us had met him before but he came with trusted references and an impressive openness to experimentation.  Fresh out of a bad marriage, he could have bought a motor cycle or grown his hair long but instead put his hand up for an ass-fucking by two unknowns.  We didn’t let on but we were impressed–he’d followed our instructions exactly.  He’d gotten a hotel room at the requested establishment, acquired a specific vintage of Laurent Perrier and Marcolini chocolate, and was ready and waiting when we arrived.  He’d told us that this was going to be his first experience as a submissive and requested that we be gentle, especially with any strap-on activity.

One of the purposes of the evening was for me to try out a strap-on.  Isobel had done it many times and when we came up with the idea of playing together, I said I wanted to learn. It was a personal play date and a chance to do whatever I wanted.  Still, I’m always cautious about other people’s boundaries/limits, while Isobel couldn’t care less.  She openly admitted that if someone doesn’t please her or do what she likes, she just gets rid of them.  Her approach to domination is more like annihilation–if you’re a slave you have no boundaries or limits, that’s why you’re a slave. Philosophically, she has a point and the truth is that our prior communications with E didn’t delude him into thinking that we’d be gentle or considerate.  Still, I feared for E’s ass on his behalf and decided to be a little bit of a buffer by fucking him first.  It was interesting, not really erotic but clearly a powerful act.  I didn’t push it too far and E seemed ok, although he wanted a cigarette pretty desperately afterward.  Then I sat back with a drink to watch the other two.  Isobel’s strap on was quite a bit larger than mine. She took a hold of the collar around E’s neck before inching in from behind, while he gasped for air out of nervousness.  It wasn’t funny but it was.  A few minutes later he let out a really loud scream and I could tell that it wasn’t from pleasure.  There was some commotion and he ran to the bathroom in a panic.  Although anal play can hurt if not done carefully, it’s rarely physically dangerous.  I told him he’d be ok and he said he was fine but that he didn’t think ass fucking was for him.  Glad he tried it though.

I found an interesting article on sexuality and sociopathy recently.  Sociopathworld was created by a self-proclaimed/confessed sociopath advocating the acceptance of sociopaths’ viewpoints on life–it makes fascinating reading.  Sociopaths lack the ability to feel emotion in the way that ‘neuro-typical’ people do and have no sense of empathy, identity or commitment outside of their own agenda.   I’ve a particular interest in this pathology, along with narcisissm, having crossed paths with a number of these folks and their self-interest.  The tendency toward highly rational and logical thinking is something I find attractive, along with their propensity for risk-taking and indestructibility.  They also seem to get by without much sleep.  Ultimately though, if you’re a person with actual feelings, any attachment to someone without them is a slippery slope.

I recently had an interlude with a sociopath.  He was particularly charming and quickly identified my needs and desires and adapted to them.  I had the feeling all along that he wasn’t completely sincere in what he was saying, but said to myself that that could be many people.  He was overly complimentary, obliging and considerate.  Other warning signs were there: prior gambling addiction replaced by heavy smoking, extreme risk-taking in business and persinal activities, sexual promiscuity, infidelity.  He was also very funny, energetic, dynamic and capable.  He was honest about what he had to offer, I’ll give him that.  But I soon caught him out in a complex and detailed lie and confronted him on it, only to have him deny everything before saying he didn’t have time to deal with these sorts of things.  It was bemusing and somewhat annoying to have what seemed like a good thing, ruined.  I guess it never really was what I thought it was anyway.  Here’s an academic essay on the sociobiology of sociopathy.

I’ve been going through some old emails and found one from a former patron that I thought I’d share.  This blog has, for me, been an experiment in personal expression and a way to solidify my beliefs about what I do.  It’s been pretty cathartic, actually.  Still, there’s a lot I leave out for reasons of self-preservation, so it’s impossible to get across a complete picture.  I’ve decided to start separating my professional site from this one, so I can be a bit more open and personal here.  We’ll see how that goes…

I’ll preface this excerpt by saying that the author was prone to extremes of romantic flattery but I still take the following as a great compliment.  It was written in the middle of last year and I think what he says was true at the time.

“S–I love that you are “overtly smutty.”  I finally see something about you. Most people use blogs and networking sites to create a persona, an avatar that represents their ideal of themselves or someone they wish they were courageous enough to be. These people are often disappointing when you meet and “unmask” them. You on the other hand are the opposite. You expose the raw inner self – you try on your “outrageous” statements as a test – not for others but you want to see if you yourself believe these things when you hear yourself saying them. Your “real world” persona therefor is much softer and more complex than the Avatar. You are like a wine with absolutely superb tannin - a little stringent at first taste but you leave a lingering aftertaste that grows and expands in complexity and opens up as it does with more and more gentle flavor every moment one lets you linger on the pallet.”